White Knuckles

Holding on is difficult to do. You don’t know what the future holds, so while you live your life, you’re holding on tight. Am I right?

White knuckle: showing, experiencing, or causing very strong feelings of fear, anxiety, etc.

But why do we hold on so tight and so long? I ask myself that question every day. But I know the answer. It’s because people apparently need me. I don’t feel that way, but they sure do.

And your people need you, too.

I’ve been binge watching Grey’s Anatomy lately, and I love the phrase they use when they describe the person who means the most to them. “You’re my person.” I love it.

We, as soldiers in the war of mental illnesses, might not feel like we are anyone’s person, but we are. And because you’re somebody’s person, that tiny voice in the back of your head is saying, “Hold on. Hold on tight. Your person needs you.”

To that person, you mean the world to them. And I’m 100% sure they mean the world to you.

Suicide is not selfish. Suicide, in my own definition, is holding on so long you just couldn’t hold on longer. Things got messed up bad, people were cruel, the demon in your head told you weren’t good enough.

But here’s the thing: that stupid demon in your head is nothing! Push it away!! You’re holding on for a reason, and your reason may be different than mine, but at least we’re holding on.

I can tell you, life sucks. But if you just spend your time with your person, and that person makes you laugh, or even listens to you when you vent, and hugs you when you cry, then maybe holding on is the right thing to do.

Keep holding on. You’ve conquered so many battles so far, so you know you can do it again.

Tell your person you love them. Feel them hug you. Know that despite the war going on, your victory is just beyond the horizon.

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